Then again, rarely are same sex partners given the go-ahead to divorce…in Texas, anyway. In fact, it’s never happened before.

But last week, as reported in The Dallas Morning News, Dallas state District Judge Tena Callahan ruled that two men married in another state can divorce here and that the state’s ban on gay marriage violates the U.S. Constitution.

Now, we’re not here to argue the merits of gay marriage. In fact, we’re not here to argue at all. (That’s one of the proud hallmarks of Collaborative Divorce.) The Collaborative Alliance exists simply to make dissolution of relationships a more reasoned and respectful process – one that creates healthier outcomes for all parties.

Why might a same sex couple in Dallas consider The Collaborative Approach?

• The Collaborative Process is private – between you, your partner, and your Collaborative team. Instead of a public fight in a courtroom, your Collaborative dispute is handled respectfully, discreetly and without public drama.

• Life decisions are made by clients, not the courts. Whether or not Judge Callahan’s ruling is upheld or struck down, why would any client want to put their fate into the hands of the courts? The Collaborative Alliance facilitates respectful, efficient conversation, avoiding intervention by courts.

• The Collaborative Process helps you maintain a more complete community network. In any adversarial dissolution, friends can feel forced to side with one partner or another. But the cooperative tone established in collaboration helps prevent such disruption of other life relationships, so your support network is more intact.

• Collaboration paves the way for more effective co-parenting after divorce. Open dialogue, respectful communications and the assistance of legal and mental health professionals assures both partners that they’ll be building a foundation that will allow for better co-parenting even after their relationship is dissolved. And that’s healthier for everyone – parents and children alike.

Whether dissolving a marriage or untangling a long-term relationship, The Collaborative Alliance can help couples, gay or straight, achieve a healthier outcome. Talk to us, and we’ll help you talk to each other.

In the Sept-Oct issue of Dallas CEO Magazine, respected Dallas attorney John G. Browning writes about the benefits of Collaboration, offering an insightful and lucid discussion of the process.

Noting that the Collaborative Law movement has been transforming family law for 20 years, Mr. Browning says that Collaboration serves clients “fed up with the raw emotions, uncertainties and financial demands of a system too often characterized by a lawyer-driven ‘scorched earth’ approach to cases.”

Browning goes on to detail how Collaboration is beginning to be successfully applied to a wide range of civil issues, including probate, construction litigation, sexual harassment and employment, and other business disputes.

Collaborative Law is “…a voluntary process that reduces legal costs, eliminates court intervention, and puts the clients’ interests first…” writes Browning.

He closes his article with this challenge to colleagues: “A lower cost, less combative approach that eschews ’scorched earth’ in favor of preserving business relationships? No wonder most lawyers are slow to embrace collaboration.”

The Collaborative Alliance joins John G. Browning in encouraging Texas attorneys to consider their clients’ interests and look first to opportunities for Collaborative solutions.

Meantime, read “Collaborative Law Promises a Kinder, Gentler Approach to Business Disputes” by John G. Browning.

Collaborative Divorce encourages open communication. It creates a chance to begin healing, by talking, with one another and the collaborative team.

Granted, it’s ironic, since communication is often a primary area of stress in any marriage. But that’s why the Neutral Mental Health professional is so critical and productive in the Collaborative process.

In many cases, the collaborative interdisciplinary team is able to help couples actually improve their communication during the divorce process.

Here’s how that happens during Collaborative Divorce.

1) The collaborative team is built to assure open dialogue among all parties. In litigated divorce, opposing sides often try to angle for surprises. Such tactics prolong the process and entrench mistrust that will hamper post-divorce co-parenting.

2) Respectful communication is a focus (and an agreement) among all participants attending every meeting. Former clients have stated they experienced a sense of safety knowing everyone in the room has agreed to honor certain guidelines for effective communication.

3) Clients are offered the opportunity to meet with the mental health professional during the process. One focus of these meetings is developing healthy, effective co-parenting communication.

Better communications can save time, money and stress throughout the Collaborative Divorce process and in the years that follow. It also paves the way for effective co-parenting in the years thereafter. And that’s healthier for everybody.

Collaborative Divorce is truly a team effort. Both spouses have their own Collaborative attorney, as well as counsel from neutral professionals in Mental Health and Financial Planning.

Why is the whole team critical to success? Because divorce is more than a single legal transaction. It’s a whole-life change. That means divorcing couples need assistance with three significant needs: emotional, financial and legal.

Successful 360° support is made possible by one crucial element – neutrality. The “neutrals” can ask tough questions in joint meetings without driving clients to defensiveness. Although clients may not always agree with the neutral professional’s opinion they understand that there’s no hidden agenda. So they’re able to more openly consider the advice.

The power of neutrality can make a significant difference in obtaining the best possible outcome and preventing impasse.

Here’s what the Neutral Professionals on the Collaborative Team provide:

Neutral Mental Health Professional. Extreme emotions are not uncommon in divorce. Acting on them, however, is destructive and counter-productive. Your Collaborative Mental Health professional facilitates communication among all participants, maintains behavioral boundaries in joint meetings, assists clients in expressing their true interests, and if children are involved works directly with the clients outside of joint meetings to develop a parenting plan.

Neutral Financial Planning Professional. Understanding the implications, short-term and long, of financial agreements is vital to quality of life after the divorce. Your Collaborative Financial Planning professional gathers and analyzes financial data, educates clients on financial issues, and assists in the development of settlement options to assure both parties are fully informed and actually discussing fiscal realities.

Even though Collaborative Divorce involves more professionals in the process, it generally proves less costly than litigated divorce. Trial, after all, is the most expensive way to resolve disputes.

By assuring comprehensive needs are met during the divorce, the Collaborative Process helps couples retain control of their own destinies, effectively and efficiently, rather than handng control over to the courts.

Psychological researchers stress the negative effects on children of contentious divorce. It’s no wonder that when parents engage in protracted litigation, the children can’t help but be emotionally disturbed by their parents’ fight.

Children of traditional divorce experience these unhappy truths:

1. Parents forget their number one job–being a parent. They become preoccupied with their quest for winning the litigation. Energy and time they would ordinarily spend as loving, responsible, available parents is devoted to the traditional divorce process. Their commitment goes into the fight, not into parenting.

2. The litigation process requires parents to malign each other. To “win” in traditional divorce, each parent must disparage the other’s parenting skills and inflate his/her own strengths as a parent. The children either sense this “I am better than your other parent” attitude or hear it directly. Divided and conflicted loyalties can cause permanent anxiety and lack of trust.

3. A contentious divorce can make kids feel guilty. In litigation, children are expected to talk to: social workers conducting social study evaluations; psychologists performing evaluations with interviews, observations and tests; and judges who may interview them at the courthouse. Children blame themselves for outcomes, thinking “if only” they had said something different, maybe mom and dad would have stayed together or would be happier with the result.

4. Long-term emotional issues are all but inevitable. Watching one’s parents behave badly can lead to disrespect and acting out. The children become despondent and anxious. Depression and other psychological issues are not uncommon, both during the divorce and for years afterwards.

The members of The Collaborative Alliance are dedicated to offering the collaborative divorce process, so that parents can explore all their options, including possible reconciliation if that is a desire of either of the parents.

The Collaborative process maximizes the chance that the parents will be able to effectively function as parents during the divorce. We support both parents as they attend to their children’s needs and help them plan for a future where they can co-parent in the way they think best for their children, not the way some arbitrary legislative standards might impose upon them.

In the long run, we are confident that the children whose parents engage in the collaborative divorce process will honor their parents for the healthy way they model behavior as they approach dissolution of their marriage so that it does not unnecessarily wound their children.

There are lots of lawyers who will tell clients it’s not possible to have a Collaborative Divorce with an active alcoholic or drug user spouse. And although such cases present special challenges, they’re also an opportunity to protect children and actually retain more control over outcomes than litigation produces.

Here’s why –

1. Texas law mandates parenting time for with minimum restrictions. Courts are bound to provide both spouses parental time with their children. As a result, the addict parent may have unsupervised visitations or limited supervision, even before they have arrested their addiction. In a Collaborative divorce, clients don’t hand control over to the courts. Working with the Mental Health team member, both parties can agree to short-term solutions that are best for their children and lay the groundwork for a healthier long-term plan.

2. Court exposure humiliates and polarizes. The addict parent inevitably becomes angry as a result of the embarrassment of having his/her addiction “on display” at the courthouse. This can sink the addict deeper into denial, protracting the proceedings and even threatening the safety of the children. By discussing the addiction in the completely private and confidential setting of Collaborative Divorce – without pointing fingers or assessing blame – we are more likely to reach a positive, cooperative agreement.

3. Addiction is not a legal issue. It’s a personal, family problem. Rather than focus on the addict parent as the villain, Collaborative Divorce focuses on addiction as a family problem. This open, proactive approach produces more honesty from all sides. Once the addict realizes that the Collaborative process is not about placing blame, they tend to be more willing to explore ways to keep the children safe and many even agree to seek treatment.

Given these facts, it’s surprising to me that there are actually adversarial attorneys who encourage bluster, contention and litigation in such cases. They know the eventual outcomes. They know there’s only one real “winner,” and it’s not either spouse or the children.

The Collaborative Alliance has a process that works in cases where substance abuse is an issue. It requires allowing the addict parent to feel some measure of participation. They are then more invested and more likely to be compliant with the agreements they make.

I have seen addict parents acknowledge that they are not ready to go into treatment and come up with parenting plans that are very protective of their children while allowing them to have some form of relationship. I’ve also seen addict parents admit to relapse during the process because they feel safe doing so. In litigation, they hide such truths because it will likely be used against them harshly.

By avoiding the blame game, clients are also more likely to obtain more favorable settlements than they might in court. When backed into a corner, most of us dig in our heels and become focused on not giving the other person what they want. In Collaborative Divorce, clients are often open to favorable exchanges simply for their spouse showing them some respect and not using their addiction as a weapon.

There are adversarial attorneys who fuel our society’s addiction to contentious and ugly litigation. The Collaborative Alliance seeks to break the habit and create healthier lives for all.

Affairs are one of the leading reasons sited for divorce. And while traditional divorce attorneys often tell clients that affairs are not appropriate cases for Collaboration, the opposite is actually true. (In fact, a quick poll of the attorneys on this blog roll would confirm that most of their cases involve affairs.)

Whether you’re the spouse who’s discovered the affair, or you’re the one who is having it, Collaboration can create a better outcome than giving up control to the courts – healthier for children, more private, and more financially beneficial.

Now, If your spouse had the affair, you may be thinking, perhaps even justifiably, “I want him/her to suffer. I want their paramour to be scared or embarrassed by a subpoena – serves them both right!”

While these emotions are natural, acting on them is dangerous and just plain bad business. Unfortunately, there are attorneys who fuel this bitterness and acrimony. And by stoking adversarial fires, they can actually protract the proceedings. Guess who “wins” then.

Traditional divorce involving a workplace affair is especially problematic. If the boss finds out, your spouse could be fired! And if that spouse is a substantial or even sole source of income, everyone loses.

Worse, sometimes having an affair with a colleague could give rise to a lawsuit for sexual harassment. Community dollars that you could get in the divorce settlement would be spent on lawyers defending a sexual harassment suit or more likely, paying off the paramour. (Yes, it happens!)

Yet there are adversarial lawyers who pursue workplace affair cases for “stay at home moms,” knowing that litigation may be jeopardizing the couple’s only significant asset – the husband’s job and/or career.

Collaborative Divorce works best for affairs because:

1. It protects all parties’ privacy. No matter which side you’re on, you want privacy. Collaborative divorce is a confidential process. No court, no hearings, no deposition of your boyfriend reciting all the sordid details, no girlfriend being cross-examined on the stand at your trial. No public statements from the cheating spouse about why they “needed to look outside the marriage…” Privacy is your friend. Collaborative Divorce is the only real way to assure it.

2. Legal costs can be lessened. In the collaborative process, the affair is dealt with mainly by the mental health professional. If one or both spouses desire, the mental health professional can meet with them individually and/or together outside the purview of the lawyer. This can dramatically decrease legal costs.

3. It keeps the control where it belongs – with the clients, not the courts. You can reach your goals with more dignity and more efficiently than litigation could ever provide.

Sometimes, despite an affair, a couple actually reconciles during Collaboration. Given the confidential and non-blaming nature of the process, this makes sense. The opportunity is there and has not been destroyed by aggressive, alienating actions often taken in a traditional divorce case.

That’s the benefit of Collaborative Divorce in every case – less damage, more dignity. And that’s something all divorcing couples can use help with, especially in the case of an affair.

Our goal is to help divorcing families avoid the financial and emotional expense of a painful, protracted public fight. We strive to keep life decisions where they belong – with our clients, not the courts.

Collaborative divorce is different from traditional divorce in many ways. Most important is that we seek to keep the process from devolving into an expensive and ugly fight. It’s that simple.

By facilitating respectful, efficient conversation during the divorce process, we help avoid the kind of contentious tone and posturing that can drive traditional divorce.

We hope you’ll bookmark our blog and revisit often. This will be home to discussions of Collaborative Divorce, its process and benefits to families, children and our community.

We also hope you’ll join the discussion. After all, productive, respectful dialog is what Collaboration – and life – is all about.